Woes of the Sorting Hat
by MnemeMemory
Summary: Twoshot! Watch in awe as the Sorting Hat is forced to Sort six transfer students from the Institute in New York (or: the Shadowhunters come to Hogwarts).
1. In Which the Sorting Hat Despairs

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything, I swear! I wouldn't be _writing_ this if I owned _Harry Potter_, and if I were Cassandra Clare, I wouldn't be such a crazy person (I own _neither_ series – man, I _wish_ I did, though).

**Warnings**: nothing, really. Maybe a bit of swearing? OOC-ness, for sure (I'm terrible at writing in character)

Enjoy!

"And now, may I introduce the new transfers for this year?"

The Sorting Hat ignored the Headmaster Dumbledore in favour of opening its leathery eye. Six figures – completely dressed in black (except for one, who looked like a glitter-factory had thrown up on him) – stood in the middle of the Great Hall. A few of them were shifting awkwardly, but for the most part they looked completely at ease.

Transfers to Hogwarts were an unusual commodity. The last time it had been tried – some fifty years ago – it hadn't ended very well (everyone was _still_ perplexed as to where those pigeons had come from).

"They're on loan to us from a special community for the protection of our school. Please give them a warm welcome."

Scattered applause sounded around the room, but the Sorting hat noticed that most people were just staring at them. They were certainly stunning people, that was for sure.

"Jonathan Christopher Herondale,"

"Are you kidding me?" a boy with golden hair and a stunning face muttered as he ascended to sit on the stool. "It's _Lightwood_, old timer. _Jace_ _Lightwood_."

"I apologise," the Headmaster said, amused. "Please give a warm welcome to Jace Lightwood,"

The boy smirked and jammed the hat onto his head.

_Hello_.

"By the Angel, it speaks!" Jace choked.

A ripple of amusement ran through the room, and the boy scowled.

_Interesting – very interesting_.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jace muttered, tensing.

_Shadowhunters, huh? Haven't seen one of those in years._

"Did Dumbles tell you that?"

_No, no. I've come across a few of your kind in my day. So Tom is summoning demons, then?_

"Yeah – if by 'Tom' you mean 'Moldy',"

The Sorting Hat just sighed and went back to sorting through this strange boy's memories.

_Raised by Valentine, but not his son, hmm? And how does that make you feel?_

"What are you, a shrink?"

_Of a sort. Brave – very brave. Loyal as well. To your family. To your girlfriend. Hufflepuff would be good for you_.

"Look, Dumbles wants us to protect that Potter kid. Think you could sneak me into there?"

_Sneak? I think you'd thrive in Gryffindor, my boy. _

"Good."

_Are you sure_?

The boy smirked. "Of course."

_Very Well_. "GRYFFINDOR_!"_

The table of lions roared in approval, and Jace placed the hat carefully back on the stool and sauntered over to the table. The Hat noticed with mild interest that he sat fairly close to Harry Potter and his two close friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.

"Isabel Lightwood," Headmaster Dumbledore intoned.

A stunning young woman with inky black hair strode confidently forward and grabbed the hat.

"So you're alive, huh?" she muttered, flipping it around so she could inspect it.

"Please, Ms Lightwood, put the hat so that you can be Sorted."

"Whatever," the girl muttered, sitting down gracefully on the stool and crossing her legs. The Hat was plonked onto her head.

_Good evening, Miss Lightwood_.

"Huh. You _do_ talk," the girl sighed. "Alright, get on with it."

You're very loyal to your friends.

"Of course I am. I'm a _Lightwood_," she said, like the Hat had said something insulting.

_I mean no offense_.

"Just hurry up so I can go and sit down." There was a pause.

_You're very forward and true to your values. You, like your step-brother, would do very well in Hufflepuff. _

"That had better be a compliment,"

_Ah, so quick to judge_. The Hat lamented. _Of course it's a compliment. Not for Ravenclaw, though. You prefer action to planning_.

"Are you _sure _you're not talking about Jace?"

_Slytherin is out of the question. No offence intended, of course, but I don't think you have the necessary ambition; though, of course, your cunning would fit in well there._

"Thanks," Isabel preened.

_Are we in agreement? Gryffindor_?

"If you must_,_" she sighed.

_Good_. "GRYFFINDOR!"

Isabel practically skipped over to her step-brother after putting the hat down, flashing a stunning smile to one of the remaining boys in her group.

"Alexander Lightwood,"

"Just Alec. Please." A boy with messy black hair and an uncomfortable expression sighed, looking far more timid than his siblings. The Hat watched with interest as he walked forward and shoved the hat onto his head.

_Hello, Mr Lightwood_.

Unlike his siblings, Alec showed no surprise at the Hat's voice.

"Can we please get this over with?" he said softly, eyes darting around in what appeared to be paranoia.

_You're very cautious_.

"It keeps my siblings alive,"

_Yes, another Shadowhunter. Your siblings are quite accomplished_.

"I know," there was a thread of resignation tainting the pride in his voice.

_You are not pleased at that?_

"I'm glad that they're good fighters."

The Hat didn't say anything else, just flicked through a few memories.

_Loyal – yes, I can see that you and your siblings share that personality trait. And intelligent. You love to study?_

"It's more interesting than training. I can't match up to Izzy or Jace."

_I think you underestimate yourself. Yes, I think Ravenclaw will do you well_.

"Not with my siblings?"

_Bravery is a trait that you possess, yes, but it is not your _defining_ trait. Ravenclaw is where you belong_.

"If you say so."

_Such doubt_, the Hat clucked disapprovingly. "RAVENCLAW!"

Alec slunk away quickly, going over to sit at the end of the Ravenclaw table. The Hat noticed that the boy covered in glitter beamed at him, and Alec reluctantly smiled back.

Interesting.

"Simon Lewis."

A tall boy with curly brown hair and pale skin walked up to the stool and calmly put the Hat on his head. The Sorting Hat realised that this was the boy that Isabel Lightwood had smiled to.

"Hi," he said before the Hat could say anything. "Please put me anywhere but Slytherin."

_Why_? The Hat asked, intrigued.

"Because some dweeb called Malfoy annoyed the hell out of me. _And_ I'm pretty sure Bane's gonna be put in there." There was a pause as the Hat gave an unpleasant start at the name 'Bane'. But of course, they couldn't be talking about the same man. What were the odds? "Besides, they all look creepy."

_Slytherin is not a bad house, my boy, though I do agree that it does not seem to be for you. Maybe Ravenclaw?_

"Look, don't get me wrong – I like Alec. I really do. But I've heard that Ravenclaw's are supposed to be, like, freaky smart. I'm _average_ smart."

_I think you could be just as intelligent at Mr Lightwood, should you put your mind to it. Still, your loyalty to your friend Miss Frey is truly amazing. You – quite literally – died for her_.

At that, Simon jerked upright in the seat.

"You're not going to…" he started.

_Do not worry. Dumbledore is well informed about the doings of Downworlders, and I will not tell anyone else_.

"Oh, the Headmaster knows. But the other teachers…"

_I don't have many dealings with them. Your secret is safe with me_.

"Thanks."

_Hufflepuff, then, unless you have any objections_.

"None that I can think off. They all look like pretty cool guys,"

_Good_. "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Thanks, dude," Simon said, taking the hat off and going over to the 'Puff table.

"Magnus Bane!"

A horrible feeling went through the Hat. Surely not…

"Hello, darling!" the boy drenched in glitter chirped as the Hat settled onto his head.

_Oh, no…_

"Awh, wasn't I missed?"

"SLITHERIN!" the Hat practically screamed. "He's in SLITHERIN! Now GET HIM OFF ME!"

"Let's do this again sometime, darling," Magnus laughed, and the Hat shuddered.

_Go away_.

"See you!" Magnus grinned, taking off the Hat and bouncing over to the Slytherin table. In a sea of green, he looked very out of place; more so when it became obvious that no one was clapping for him, and there was a defined space between Magnus and the children on either side of him.

The Hat barely noticed Alec Lightwood giving his boyfriend a suspicious glare; too busy trying to scrub its memory of all things Bane.

"And, last but not least, Clary Fray!"

The last of the strange group – a small girl with stunning red hair – sat down calmly and accepted the Hat onto her head.

_You're the last, right? There aren't any more of you hiding around, are there?_ The Hat asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, I'm the last," Clary laughed.

_Oh. Good_. The Hat forced its concentration back to Sorting the girl. _Hmm…very interesting – Valentine's daughter, you say?_

"Great. Let me bare my soul to a strange," Clary sighed.

_Oh – thinking you were in love with your brother; how awkward_.

"Oh, you have _no idea_. Think we could hurry this up? Jace gets grouchy when he doesn't get to eat."

_Yes, Jace_. The Hat paused, delving deeper into Clary's thoughts.

"That's very intrusive." Clary growled. "I've already had a few people in my mind, and I'm not exactly happy that you're there as well."

_I apologize. I just want to put you in the House that best suits you. _

"Just go with Gryffindor," Clary sighed.

_Why? You are brave, of course, but I think you would do well in Hufflepuff, with your friend Simon_.

"Yeah, _that's_ a good idea." Clary rolled her eyes. "Look, think about this; Jace is insane. If I'm not there to rein him in, _bad things will happen_."

The Hat paused to review everything he had found out about Jace Wayland-Herondale-Lightwood (talk about identity issues) and supressed a shudder.

_Point taken_. "GRYFFINDOR!"

Clary nodded her thanks, and hopped off to go and kiss her boyfriend.

"Now that the Sorting is done, let us eat!"

The Hat tuned out the Headmaster in favour of mulling over the transfers (careful to avoid thinking about Magnus Bane). It was certainly going to be an interesting year.

The Hat was glad it was safe in the Headmaster's office.

**Author's Note**: I hope this didn't suck too badly (first actually published fan-fiction). I think I'm going to make this into a series. Next Year: Fairy Tail!


	2. The Unfortunate Incident with Gar-Goyle

**Disclaimer**: I own neither _Harry Potter_ nor the _Mortal Instruments_. Pretty sure I'd know if I were J.K. Rowling or Cassandra Clare (still, I can dream…)

**Warnings**: um…no, not really.

…

The Hat could barely stop its shuddering.

_They were here_.

"I'm sorry, Mister – what was your last name again?"

"_Lightwood_," the golden-haired boy snapped.

"Yes, Mr Lightwood. Would you like to explain to me what exactly happened?"

"It wasn't Jace's fault!" his girlfriend, Clary, jumped in. "It was that twit, Goyle!* If he hadn't been provoked…"

"Ah, but that is not the point, Ms Fairchild. I am more concerned about the fact that one of the people I have employed to _protect_" – here, the old cook stressed the word and stared down at the group, eyes hard – "my students has _attacked_ one of them."

"He was totally asking for it." Jace muttered sullenly.

Clary threw him a look that clearly said 'shut up'.

He ignored her, of course. "Besides, it wasn't even _my_ fault. If you're looking for someone to blame, choose Alec!"

Alec – the scrawny child with dark hair – looked up from his book in panic. "Huh?"

Jace groaned. "I'm doomed, aren't I?"

_Magnus Bane_ – the Truly Terrible, the Evil One, the One Who Must Never Be Mentioned – smirked and put his arms around Alec's shoulders.

"Of _course_ you are, darling," he said. "I, however, will vouch that it is _not_ my Alec's fault."

"Thanks," Alec eyed his boyfriend wearily.

"Forget that!" his sister, Isabel, snapped. "_I_ want to know what _happened_! I was just doing my usual rounds when I was called here!"

"Who's patrolling at the moment?" Clary looked around in alarm.

"Some of the members of the Order," Dumbledore said serenely. "Please, calm down and tell me what happened. I'm afraid that you've put me in a very serious position, Mr Lightwood. Mr Goyle is very good friends with a certain Draco Malfoy – and Mr Malfoy's parents are very influential; they will take action against you. Your position at the school is shaky; there are those who oppose you."

"_I_ don't want to be here!" Jace said loudly. "_I'd_ rather be home, hunting demons. We don't get anything _good_ around here." He looked aggravated.

The Sorting Hat could barely contain its shudder. It wanted these – these _interlopers_ out of its sanctuary. The only people who usually came into the Headmaster's Office was the Headmaster himself.

Of course, over the past few years, Harry Potter had also become a regular; still, Mr Potter was someone the Hat was willing to handle. A tricky Sorting, yes, but no less interesting…

Unlike these horrors.

"Mr _Lightwood_," Headmaster Dumbledore stressed. "I need to know what _happened_."

"Alright, alright," Jace huffed.

"Goyle was making fun of Alec and Jace knocked him out," Clary stepped in quickly, before the loudmouth could do any _more_ damage.

"Technically, he was making fun of Alec and _Magnus_," Jace shot her an annoyed look. "But, yeah, I didn't really care about the warlock. Now, if Alec had stood up for _himself_, than we wouldn't be having this conversation…"

"He'd be dead," The Awful One said cheerfully, slitted eyes gleeful. "He was beginning to get on my nerves."

"I was doing just _fine_ until Jace butted in," Alec put in, dragging his attention once again away from his book.

"You were debating whether to hit him yourself or run away," Jace retorted. "And – no offence, Alec – I'd bet good money that you'd take the second option."

"Whatever," Alec said, annoyed.

The Hat shuddered. "Dumbledore," it said.

The Headmaster looked up, clearly startled. He adjusted his half-moon spectacles and inclined his head.

"Yes?"

"_GET THEM OUT OF HERE!_" the Hat roared. "And HIM! Get _HIM_ out of here!"

The One Who Shall Never Be Mentioned smirked, tightening his arms around his boyfriend. "Awh, didn't you miss me?"

"NO!" the Hat fairly wailed.

Dumbledore blinked. Once.

"Perhaps we should move this meeting to somewhere less…" he pursed his wrinkled lips. "Loud?"

"No, no," The Evil One said, uncurling his arms from around Alec and sauntering over to look at the Hat. "I've been meaning to have a nice…chat with you."

"What do you mean by that?" the Hat demanded, shrinking back from the warlock's glittered fingernails. "Someone make him stop!"

"Magnus, leave the poor thing alone," Alec said.

Magnus threw his boyfriend a smirk and ignored him. "Now, about the last time we met…" he started. "I've been meaning to ask what was put into that chocolate…"

The Hat gave a wail and shook itself furiously. "LEAVE!"

Dumbledore watched it all with narrowed eyes, and then calmly asked for Magnus to sit down.

Magnus shrugged and slid back beside Alec, pouting.

"As I was _saying_" – Clary shot Magnus a glare – "That oaf Goyle caught Alec and Magnus in a – ahh – _uncompromising position_, and…"

"Oh, say it like it is," Isabel snorted. "I wasn't even _there_, and I can guess what happened. The blockhead found Magnus with his tongue down my brother's throat" – her glare at him rivalled that of a demon, and Magnus had the common sense to at least _pretend_ to cringe – "and then proceeded to do something very stupid. Jace somehow walked in on this…" she paused and made an exaggerated '_hmm_' motion. "Probably because they were in a nice, secluded space that is probably good for a make-out session – which, by the way, would explain why Clary was there, as well."

Clary looked incensed, but swallowed her protest at Isabel's smug look.

"And how does this lead to one of my students in the hospital wing?" Headmaster Dumbledore demanded. "With a broken nose, no less."

Jace waved his hand casually. "Pfft, that's _nothing_. I was _saving_ that guy's ass – you should be grateful, Dumbles."

"Why?" Dumbledore finally began to look a little bit annoyed.

_Finally_, grumbled the Hat. _What does he have – the patience of a saint_?

"Magnus already told you – he would have _killed_ Gar-Goyle if I hadn't stepped in."

"And knocked him out." Dumbledore didn't look impressed.

"I didn't have any other choice!" Jace insisted, trying – and failing – to appear heroic.

Clary whacked him on the chest. "Shut up, idiot."

"Hey!" he shot her a wounded look. "I'll have you know, I attacked him with the best intentions in heart. I _didn't_ do it because he was annoying, or rude, of _insulting_" – his golden eyes darkened, and his gaze flickered to his uncomfortable-looking _parabatai_ – "No! I did it for _none_ of those reasons! I did it to _save his life_."

Behind him, Clary slapped her palm to her face. "Idiot." She repeated.

"You know I can hear you, right?" Jace said without taking his eyes away from Dumbledore.

"I know. I'm just waiting for you to _listen_ to me."

"I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put Mr Lightwood on parole, then."

Alec looked up from his book once again in alarm. "What?"

"Jonathan," Headmaster Dumbledore clarified.

"Good."

"_Jace_," he muttered. "My name is _Jace._ You know, Dumbles, I'm beginning to think that you're doing this name-thing on purpose."

Dumbledore's eyes just twinkled merrily, former good-mood restored.

"Hang on one second," Magnus straightened in his chair, and the Sorting Hat cringed in anticipation. "Now, don't think I object to Jace being punished – I do – but what about this _Goyle_" – he said the name like it was a bad word. "_He_ was insulting me and Alec!"

Alec rolled his eyes, burrowing deeper into the chair. "It's no big deal."

Magnus arched his eyebrow. "So you're saying that you were _okay_ with what he was saying about me?"

Alec's eyes darkened with equal parts nervousness and rage.

The Hat wasn't surprised; it had seen into the boy's mind.

"Well…_no_…" he finally said, eyeing the Headmaster wearily. "But I was going to do something about that…later…"

Magnus' eyes brightened. "Of course!" he said a touch too quickly. "What was I thinking?" he flashed the Headmaster a big grin. "We'll be going, now." He pulled Alec from his chair, ignoring the Shadowhunters' protests.

"Sit _down_, Mr Bane," Dumbledore's voice was steely. "You will _not_ do anything to endanger my students. Am I clear?"

"Crystal!" Magnus assured him.

"He's lying!" the Hat fairly wailed. "Don't believe a word he says! He's _evil_! Pure _evil_!"

"One time…" Magnus muttered.

"I want to know what happened!" Jace said quickly.

Clary rolled her eyes. "I can't believe that I'm agreeing with the moron, but I _am_ agreeing with him. What did you _do_ to that poor Hat?"

Magnus simply smirked. "Come, Alec. We have nefarious plots to devise!"

"Hey! Wait! I need to finish this chapter…!"

…

*** **I was going to use Malfoy ("Hello, cliché! How I have missed you…") and then I decided that I'd just use Gar-Goyle who always followed along after him. No reason why… (I also have no reason to explain myself here…) *sobs* I'm so deprived of someone to talk to…

**Author's Note**: I have once again come to bore you. Alright, here it is: I've decided to continue with a few of my 'Sorting Hat' oneshots – only, I'm not the most intelligent of people, and am having some serious trouble with some plotlines (_nooooo_ idea where this thing came from).

Also, if anyone likes this, please review? They really make my day! (and motivate me to write more…)


End file.
